diary

📓 08.07.25 — Just thinking

Maybe I'm just dramatic, or maybe I'm just oblivious to how the real world works, but I feel as if when I try to stand up for myself or get justice for myself, it's ignored; and I’m made to feel like the bad one. I hate trying to bring up problems only to feel as if they’re ignored or flipped onto me. I bring up an issue, one that multiple people have agreed with me on (because I make sure before I say anything), and then I just get poked at for something completely different.<.p>

I feel crazy. Maybe the intent isn't to make me feel that way, but god I feel SO CRAZY. Like...why do I deserve to have the problem and be upset? Because every time i bring up something it is just made to feel menial (and I'm sure that's unintentional.)

I don’t know what I’ve done, but I think I’m done trying to bring up issues. My 22nd birthday is coming up soon, and I never expected to still be this sensitive and pathetic. I hate it. I wish I acted like a competent adult, instead of having such childish interests and sensitive feelings. I mask, yes, but that isn’t the same as really being who I want to be. I was always told I would outgrow being hypersensitive, and all these other things, but it seems like they’ve either gotten worse or just stagnated as I’ve gotten older.

Anyways, the universe (or my post office) must have known I was getting sad, because my big Moomintroll plushie came a few days early. How nice is that? He’s so big, soft, and friendly. It’s hard to be sad when I get to hold him.

I’m sure things will start to look up. I just need to work on improving myself and getting back into therapy. I won’t let myself stew on any of the negative thoughts I’ve written out after I post this.

If anyone read this; thank you. I love you, and how you feel matters. If you ever need to vent, please reach out to me. Stay shrimpy 🦐

📓 07.30.25 — I don't know

Does anyone else ever feel expendable? Today (well, technically yesterday, but I’m writing this at 2:30 AM) was horrible. I’m still frustrated. I feel overwhelmed. Everything is loud and too much. I was actually glad to be back at work, at first. Things had been a bit frustrating already, but I kept reminding myself I’d get to see coworkers I like. I hate talking to strangers and I struggle with social interaction, but this is the only job I have right now, so I’m doing my best. It started okay. But then... things got overwhelming fast. Everyone kept coming through my lane. I kept getting left alone. A customer was mean to me and tried to start a fight with me and my manager. I held it together during that part, but after that, the other cashier just kept ignoring me and doing anything but staying on her lane. I was swamped. So many people. I started going nonverbal from the stress. I felt like I was going to cry. When she finally got back on register, half the bigger buggies were already through my line, and she only got the smaller ones. I stepped away to decompress for a second, and when I came back; she left again. I just nodded and let her go, I was too tired to argue. I was backed up again by the time I had to leave. She was talking to her ex-boyfriend. The manager had to literally yell her name and direct customers to her line. When I finally left, I said goodbye to them both. She didn’t say anything back. And I know it’s small, but… it hurt. I don’t think I did anything wrong. I didn’t say anything mean. But this whole experience made me spiral. I feel expendable. Usable. Like a tool. I feel like people at work, people who say they care, don’t actually see me. Only a few do. I try to suggest things. I try to help. But I get ignored. I feel like people think I don’t get hurt because I mask my feelings and pretend nothing bothers me. But it does. I always spiral alone. I hate telling people how I feel, because when I do, I just feel insane. Like I’m making too much out of nothing. But I know it isn’t nothing. Injustices always happen to me. And no matter how hard I try to fix things, they just get worse. And I spiral again. I love my friends. I really do. But sometimes I worry I’m not loved back by quiet a few of them. I try to be kind. I love being around them. But I feel like a burden. Anyway, sorry this entry was so heavy. I think I’ll feel better tomorrow. I’ll get to see my friends again, hopefully. I’m especially excited to talk to Randy about rabbits if he’s working. I promise my next entry will be happier. I love you all. Stay shrimpy 🦐

📓 07.28.25 — random thoughts.

Today my sister visited. She's probably the closest friend I've ever had. I love her a lot, and when I start to get in my head and feel like no one cares, it's like she knows; and she shows up. I'm always so glad when she does, because it reminds me that people do care, and I am loved. I'm very shy in real life and have a hard time going out. I’m not comfortable with people coming into my home unless they’re family or really close to me. So I’m extra glad to have her here with me. She’s so funny and loves the same music and movies as me. She’s literally my bestie forever and ever. My twin nudibranch. We will slowly squish our way through the tide pool of life together. Anyway, she cut my bangs and dyed my hair for me. I feel super cute right now!! :) I hope we can go to a concert together again soon, or maybe I can find a silly craft for us to do. I was feeling so sad today, so I’m really happy she stopped by. Byebye for now. Stay shrimpy 🦐

📓 07.22.25 — first puddle scribble. 3:53 AM.

today I went to work. It was exhausting, and the same as usual. I masked, masked some more, and had to listen to the same jokes from customers, or feel talked down to. I feel like no one takes me serious. I tried to talk to my boss about Sea Cucumbers. He laughed at me. When i got home i spent hours studying Nudibranch. I wish I lived somewhere closer to the sea. Tennessee will do for now, and one day I will be free from it. I started my first ever Neocities today. If you are seeing this around the first few months this has been posted...grab you "first fan" ticket. I love you. Stay shrimpy. 🦐